In which I make a very public confession

I will not hide right now. It’s one of those rare times in my life where I feel as if I can peel back my protective exterior and allow myself a few moments of vulnerability, where I almost need to let out all of my bottled up emotions and just breathe in deeply several times and allow myself to be unguarded. I’m like an orange, and I’m discarding the rind to get to the juicy flesh underneath.

The truth is:

I miss you.

Yes, you. If you are reading this, you must care somewhat about me. And God, I hope that’s true. And the truth is, if you are reading this, then it follows that I care about you. And–also–I miss you. Whether or not you are friend, a family member, an ex, a coworker, an acquaintance…

I.

Miss.

You.

Some will scoff at this. Such thoughts may run through one’s mind such as:

* Miss me? You just saw me a couple hours ago! 

* You ignored the last three texts I sent you.

* We broke up. You acted like you didn’t care.

* You don’t mean it. You’re not talking about me.

But it’s honestly true. I cannot stress this enough. If you are reading this, I miss you.

You honestly may not give a damn that I miss you. That’s okay. It could be because of my many flaws. Flaws like:

* I’m proud.

* I don’t let people in.

* I can be a flake.

* Stubborn.

* Standoffish.

All of it has to do with my self-protection. I worry so much about the potential of being hurt that I don’t necessarily enjoy the times where I’m not possibly going to get hurt. In fact, regarding dating, I don’t even let my guard down long enough when I am dating someone to open up that when a breakup occurs I’m hurt anyway!

It may sound like I am beating myself up here. I know I do have some excellent qualities. I’m fun, like to laugh, I am a good listener, I can connect to persons of all walks of life, I have lots of interests, I’m a good cook and I bake a damn good cake…

But I keep falling into the same trap over and over again in my life. And it’s the mistake of not letting people in.  I fear vulnerability. Not only that, I loathe it. I feel weak and ashamed when I open up. Like I should be happy, strong, funny, and cheerful all of the time. And I am, most of the time. But sometimes, I am hurt and sad. And it’s mostly I am hurt and sad because I care and have a hard time saying that.

And here I am, being vulnerable about my issues with vulnerability. Go figure.

Sometimes I just can’t hold it in anymore. And it scares me. I don’t like people seeing me this way. I don’t want people to worry about me. Everyone has enough to worry about. I should’t be part of the problem. But sometimes my heart is weary. I can’t sleep. I have had only one good night of sleep in the year 2015. I’d like to have more. And if writing this damn post is going to accomplish that, where someone out there reads that I can fully admit that I am sad and hurting and that I don’t have to hide it from you, or from anyone else, then fine.

I wish I could tell you directly. I should be able to. But if you rejected me, then that would be even worse.

But if you are reading this, and have gotten this far, then maybe you would not. But how would I know that?

So many people have been open with me. If you are reading this and this is the case with you, I admit that I should’ve been open when you were. If I wronged you, then I should have apologized. I should have tried. I should not have been so blasé. But I was, and there is no changing that.

Holden Caulfield was wrong when he said, “Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.” Even if you don’t tell anybody anything, you miss them just the same, then spend your nights wondering the dreaded, “what if?…”

So where to I go from here? It’s been agony putting this out there. Maybe you can’t appreciate that.

Maybe you can.

Maybe you are one of the few who will read this and say, “I miss you too.” Maybe you are the soul I am hoping to have touched, to have shared something so intimate with. If you have read this, please appreciate that I have just bared my scared soul to you. And if this has touched your soul, please reach out to me. Please tell me you miss me too. Tell me that you care for me. That you love me. Please comfort me. Please tell me that you have felt this way before too.

 

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One thought on “In which I make a very public confession

  1. Opening up can hurt. Opening up to the wrong person…to the right person…or not opening up. Opening up is the chance we as humans with emotions and the capacity for rational thought take if we want to truly experience joy and love. I miss you! And am thankful to have you as my friend. Thank you for sharing.

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