Morbid meditations and my first rock star crush

I’ve been having some melancholy thoughts of late. It’s hard for me to admit, but I have this nagging feeling that I am going to die–soon, and unexpectedly–and that no one is going to know me. And I am also worried that someone I love will die–soon, unexpectedly–without me knowing the little things that make up that person.

This lies on me, of course. I realize I am a difficult person to get to open up. I also have a hard time even remembering what people tell me, what I have told them…

I do not know where this is coming from. I do not have suicidal tendencies. But you never know when you will leave this earth. I wake up daily and remind myself that this could be the day that I die. I may only have one more hour left to live.  I am OK with this, though. I am not afraid to die. What I do fear though, is not leaving something behind for my loved ones to remember me by. That is a reason why I am writing this blog. Because now you will know the little things about me that may not come up in daily conversation.

I tried to think of a lighthearted way to reveal tidbits of myself to people. I’ve written a couple of posts on here about things that make me happy, and other various writing prompts that I believe to reveal a little more of myself. But I still have not openly announced that I am writing a blog, unaltered, uncensored. Yet I am interested to know what people do know about me. Or, even, who wants to know these things. Who would take the time?

So I asked Facebook who could name my first rock star crush. It was a whim. Also, I wasn’t sure I had ever told anyone about it before. And I was astounded with how many people jumped in the guessing game. To be fair, I did offer up baked goods as a reward for coming up with the correct answer… but a lot of people gave it a go, some with silly answers, some not… I was pleased with the experience. The winner did an excellent job of deducing who the object of my childhood affection was in a Sherlock-esque manner.

And who was my first rock star crush? Why, we travel back to the ’80s for that one…


That, my friends, is Brian Setzer of The Stray Cats. As a girl, I had it bad for blonds. And when I first saw the video for “Stray Cat Strut” my jaw plummeted, eyes widened, and my breath caught in my throat. That bleached hair, those blue eyes rimmed with smoky eyeliner, his inked forearms, full mouth, deep voice crooning while strumming that bitching guitar… I was maybe 8 years old at the time, but whoa… I was fascinated. I desired him, but not in the way that I had crushed on other boys…

To this day, I still feel that sensation when I look at photos of him from his Stray Cats days. Now it is strange because I’m older than Brian was in these pictures, but that hasn’t altered the same yearning I had more than 20 years ago when I look at these. Now I find that, in addition to above sentiments, I find I also like the crucifix around his neck, his long jaw, straight nose, and the toothpick hanging out of his mouth. What I would do if I could just run my fingers through those long locks…

Brian Setzer. Meow.




But all hotness aside, I am uneasy. There are so many things I want to know about my friends, and so many things I want them to know about me. But time is swift, and there are many miles to tread. And if you are reading this, I want you to know me. And I want to know you, even if it is just something as silly as a rock star crush. Though it seems insignificant, it is part of you. You deserve to be known. I deserve to be known.

2 thoughts on “Morbid meditations and my first rock star crush

  1. Thanks for sharing this about you. I understand your blog entry more than you realize. Part of my anxiety has to do with the ever-nagging knowledge that I will die, and it may be very very soon. Like you, I want to leave my mark someway, somehow (that’s where my writing comes into play, and you should consider that as well — you are a wonderful writer). Oh, and the Stray Cats were phenom.

    • Thank you so much! I am relieved to know that I’m not alone out here in the vast universe contemplating this. It can get lonely…

      And I’m glad to know you are a Stray Cats fan 🙂 Oh those rockabilly boys! Do it to me every time.

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